Love does not have to hurt but it often seems to. When you listen to the music of love you will hear it telling stories about the pain and sorrow of unfulfilled love. Someone left, someone cheated, or someone died and left someone sad and alone. Love is such a strong positive emotion that it is inevitable that there will be some pain associated with it at some time. This is Nature's law of opposites. For every force there is an equal and opposite force to hold it in balance. As much as our love would soar as a bird on the air, there is gravity to bring it back to earth…sometimes falling but usually gliding.

Passion, is a bird on wing in the thin air of the highest sky without a net. Passion is blissful delight. It's exciting, thrilling, and we feel so alive. You remember your first love and you always will while those that follow diminish in the distance and fade in the past. First love and passion unlock so many feelings that it's hard to describe them all: euphoria, peace, tenderness, tingling, jealousies, and complete connection are but a few. Passion is a sweet anesthesia that blinds us to anything that might come between us. Love, in the passion stage, holds a power for that moment that can overcome everything.

When judgment is replaced with passion, people tend to make different decisions than they otherwise would. You dated and maybe even married that person even though you sensed that there were major differences between you. You somehow thought that they weren't important or that they would change. Then you realized, when the passion wore off as it always does, that maybe things weren't as great as you thought. That realization and the following break-up were hard. It hurt. It seems as though love always hurts.

The truth, however, is that love does not hurt but it is the falling out of love or not having love that really hurts. And the higher you are, such as in the heights of passion or the tower of a long-term love, the harder the fall. A break-up, divorce, death, or abandonment are some of the most painful experiences of life because we miss our love so much.

We all need two things in life 1. To not be alone or feel alone, and 2. To be appreciated and loved for whom we are. Love brings us together and loneliness reminds us that we are missing something in life. You may not even understand it but the forces are there. We seek fulfillment in the love of others when we often need to love ourselves just as much.

"Love is the passionate and abiding desire on the part of two or more people to produce together conditions under which each can be, and spontaneously express, his real self: to produce together an intellectual soil and an emotional climate in which each can flourish, far superior to what either could achieve alone."

The search for love can be difficult especially when you don't know what you are looking for. Understanding the types of love may help you on your journey.


Expressing and Owning Feelings
Using a NAME Statement to
Express and Own Your Feelings

All of us have annoying habits and we occasionally do things that upset our partners even if we don't mean to upset them. What do you do if you have a concern with a behavior or action of someone you have a relationship with?  Please answer the following questions.

1. Do you and/or your partner get angry and resentful and feel unappreciated?
2. Do you and/or your partner call names and continue to go round and round without accomplishing anything?
3. Do you and/or your partner withdraw and ignore each other in hopes that the other one will know what you're angry and upset about? 
4. Do you feel like a volcano inside getting ready to erupt because of unexpressed feelings and thoughts?


If you answered yes to any of the above questions there is a better solution to addressing those annoying behaviors or habits.  You can express your feelings and concerns without blaming, calling names or assassinating your partner's character.

First ask yourself "What do I want to accomplish in this conversation?" If you don't really care about your relationship or care if you get to a constructive resolution then continue your past negative habits.

If on the other hand you do care for your relationship and want to keep the relationship on track and moving in a positive direction then use a NAME statement to address the behavior. The NAME statement shows respect for your partner and is very specific. This kind of communication puts the emphasis on what you see and what you feel, not on blame toward your partner. The NAME statement is explained below:

N - name the specific behavior that you find annoying

A - announce the specific setting … time & place the behavior occurred

M - mention your reaction & the feeling it arouses in you

E - explain and own your feelings

Example without a NAME statement: "You're such a slob. You always throw your clothes on the floor and never pick them up."

Rephrased with a NAME statement: " When you throw your clothes on the floor after you come home from work and don't pick them up, I feel frustrated and I feel unappreciated for keeping the house neat."

Example without a NAME statement: "You never pay any attention to me. All you do is watch TV and ignore me."

Rephrased with a NAME statement: "When you watch TV during dinner I feel left out and lonely. I feel ignored and I feel you don't enjoy my company anymore."

The NAME Statement can also be used to give positive feedback to your partner.

Example: "When you hugged and kissed me after you came in the door from work today, I felt loved and happy." Or "When you suggested we go out to dinner tonight after you came home from work, I felt appreciated and loved."

If you start taking responsibility for your own feelings and reactions and stop pointing the finger, calling names or blaming your partner for your feelings you will be a happier person. Your self-esteem will improve and your relationship will improve. Also using a NAME statement to give positive feedback to your partner will bring more satisfaction to yourself and your relationship.

Recent research confirms that how a conversation is started determines how it will end. If you start by pointing the finger ("You…") or in any other negative way, it will end negatively. If you choose to start positively (Using a NAME statement and a soft tone of voice, for example.), you are much more likely to have a positive conversation and a satisfactory outcome.

Family Meetings for Couples
If you are interested in having a very happy, successful, and fulfilling relationshipwith your partner then family meetings are your paths to success. A once a week Family Meeting can be the "preventive maintenance" for a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship.

The purpose and goal of Family Meetings is to connect emotionally on an intimate level and to "check the temperature" of the relationship for both parties on a regular basis. If one or both of you does not feel connected or on target with the relationship then the Family Meetings can provide the arena that will allow you to talk things through and to be heard. The structure of the meeting allows the couple to listen to each other for understanding, and then to validate one another so the relationship can get back on track. A family meeting gives each person the opportunity to be heard and to feel understood by the other. The Value of Family Meetings with Structure is to provide emotional safety. Emotional safety is critical for people that want to have great communication in their relationships. Without emotional safety the relationship will erode and will self-destruct over time. The foundation will crumble and it will be difficult, if not impossible, to repair. Regular Family Meetings can and will prevent this erosion. These meetings will give your relationship the solid foundation needed for creating and maintaining a very happy and fulfilling relationship.

To have a great relationship, both parties must be able to express their beliefs, concerns, and preferences clearly, without damaging the relationship in the process. Unless you feel emotionally safe, you're not likely to share important thoughts or feelings with your partner. People may respond defensively if not feeling safe. Withdrawal is one manifestation. Angry defensiveness is another.

Structure provides for greater safety. Structure means agreed upon ground rules for safely handling conversations that are more difficult to deal with. Structure is especially helpful for keeping the negatives of a relationship from damaging the positives. For a relationship to grow through conflict, instead of being damaged by it, it's necessary to use agreed-upon strategies and techniques for keeping conversations safe and under control. It doesn't mean that conversations will always be pleasant, but that you will work at keeping escalation, invalidation, withdrawal and negative interpretations from surfacing. With adequate structure, you can manage conflict with less chance of damage to your relationships.

Guidelines for effective family meetings:

1. Have one a week. Make this a priority.
2. Schedule a time to meet when and where there will be no interruptions. (Turn the ringer off the phone or take it off the hook. Don’t have anything playing in the background – no TV, radio, or the like).
3. Sit comfortably where you can face each other and yet not be directly across from each other. For example you could sit on a couch together and adjust your bodies where you are seated toward each other with some space to stretch out your legs.
4. Use the structured Speaker-Listener Technique (see the guidelines below) for at least the first 3-months of family meetings and until it becomes a natural part of sharing and listening to one another.
5. Set a time limit. When you first begin to have family meetings it may help to set a time limit. For example have a 15-minute to a 30-minute family meeting for the first 8 weeks or so until each partner becomes more comfortable with the process.
6. Get to the point and discuss one topic at a time.
7. Use a NAME Statement when you are the Speaker. (See below.)

The Speaker-Listener Technique offers couples an alternative mode of communication when issues are hot or sensitive, or when they are likely to get that way. It is important to ban problem solution attempts and have good discussions first! Agreed-upon rules for handling conflict can greatly facilitate your ability as a couple to handle conflict in a manner that protects intimacy and promotes growth in your relationship. Any conversation in which you want to enhance clarity and safety can benefit from this technique. When it comes to handling sensitive issues concerning money, sex, or in-laws for example, having the safety net that such a technique provides can be a real comfort.

The advantages of using the Speaker-Listener Technique:

1. It counteracts the destructive styles of communication -- The WINE signs -- Withdrawal, Invalidation, Negative interpretation and Escalation.
It allows a couple to use structure to make it safe to communicate openly and clearly.
2. When couples regularly use rules and techniques for dealing with the issues in their relationships, they develop an increased sense of confidence.
3. Your communication is protected against destructive patterns, making possible clear and safe communication that can bring you closer together.

RULES FOR THE SPEAKER:

1. Speak for yourself. Use "I" statements and talk about your feelings.
2. Don't go on and on. To help the Listener keep you statements brief and to the point.
3. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase. Allow the Listener to say in their own words what they think they've heard. If the paraphrase was not quite accurate, politely restate what was not heard the way it was intended to be heard. Your goal is to help the Listener hear and understand your point of view.

RULES FOR THE LISTENER:

1. Paraphrase what you hear. Briefly repeat back what you heard the Speaker say using your own words if you like and make sure that you understand what was said.
2. Focus on the Speaker's message. Don't rebut. In the Listener's role, you may not offer your opinion or thoughts. Wait until you are the Speaker to make your response. As the Listener, your job is to speak only in the service of understanding your partner.
3. Use the LDD Method – Listen, Don’t Defend

RULES FOR BOTH:

1. The Speaker has the floor.
2. Speaker keeps the floor while Listener paraphrases.
3. Share the floor
4. Use the LDD Method – Listen, Don’t Defend

Remember this: We all want and need to be understood and appreciated by the people we love. We stay with partners that make us feel good about ourselves when we are around them. Be wise and use the structured Family Meetings to connect on a more intimate level and to communicate openly and honestly on a regular basis so you can create and maintain a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship. For more information, visit: http://www.positive-way.com